Dear C,

It has come to my attention, once again, that not everyone in this world considers us to be two separate people. The first time it happened, you will recall, was when a reader stumbled across our correspondence and asserted her belief that only one person was writing both sides of our intimate exchange. Thrilled as I was to discover that you and I might be considered two halves of the same orange (a thought that has often crossed my mind, but was never expressed, for fear it would come across as well, creepy), I was nevertheless alarmed to think that anyone could consider either one of us narcissistic enough to invent the other for the sole purpose of communication. You and I may be single-minded in our pursuit of fame and fortune, dear C, but we are at least outward-looking enough to care what each other has to say, if not our husbands and children.

The second case of mistaken identity occurred this morning, as I endured the brutal attentions of D., our beautiful but sadistic Pilates instructor. There I lay, with my feet hiked over my head in those wondrous furry stirrups on the aptly named Reformer, doing my best to sweat my way to redemption, when what do I hear but D, barking orders at ‘C’ to ‘contract your pelvic floor muscles – harder.’

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you depart for a quick holiday shopping trip to NYC several days ago? Naturally, I looked around the studio to double-check, before responding on your behalf. Never mind that you are a couple of inches taller and several pounds lighter than me (dammit) or that I am a chemically enhanced blonde while you are a natural brunette. It’s enough to make me wonder why I expend so much time and money on exercise and highlights, not to mention so much discipline NOT eating, when no-one else, apparently even notices the difference.

Then it occurred to me. Since your hubby and cherubs share many of the same needs as me and mine, might I propose an informal wife swap, by way of an experiment? Pretend to be me for a week or so, while I take off for sunnier climes, and I promise to do the same for you. It just might be a win-win situation for everyone.

In the meantime, hurry back, dear C. It’s getting hard dealing with the oldballandchain’s demands, let alone those of D. and our assorted offspring, for the both of us.

P. or is it C?