Dear C,
Let me be the first to say that truly, it was an honor to be present at the birth of your fourth child – and what a beauty she is, too! Secretly, of course, I have longed to be caught up in a birth drama such as yours – the urgent phone call, the rush to the hospital; the fact that no-one else, including the putative father of your unborn child could be there for you during your hour of need. Naturally, there are those who might claim that your husband’s reluctance to cut short the weekly staff meeting to be there until the bitter end was a result of all the unfortunate false alarms you had in the weeks and months leading up to the momentous event. Rest assured, however; I was there for you, during every one of those middle-of-the night calls, even if they came to naught.
So glad, also, that my words (and gestures) of support proved helpful during the difficult hours of active labor, which you insisted on enduring, as is the wont of so many super-moms in Washington DC, without any kind of drug relief. I made the mistake of giving birth (twice) in London, where my own equally hairy and definitely childless midwife took it upon herself to let the epidural wear off for the pushing stage. I have an outstanding contract on the woman as we speak.
In your case, however, the choice of a comely German maiden barely out of her teens to act as your doula certainly seemed to meet with the approval of your husband, although I fear her exhortations to ‘push through the pain’ might have come across as a tad patronizing, coming from someone simultaneously texting her friends about meeting up at the club later on.
Rest assured, however, when it comes to post-partum glamor, you take the prize. That fetching purple silk negligee seemed to re-focus your husband’s attention only too well, and may immediately have to be tossed, unless you want to find yourself in the same situation, nine months along. Good job in telling him to run along home, after baby’s three other siblings called to ask you for dinner, in the manner of open-mouthed chicks squawking from the nest! Kudos, also, for handing baby over to doula and demanding narcotics – in the form of two Ambien – before retiring for the night. As a busy litigator and mother of four, you know better than most, the importance of prioritizing self at all times.
Faithfully,
P.
