Dear C,
Not sure if you have had a chance yet to look at the Five Safety Tips for Women email I forwarded to you last week. In case you haven’t, allow me to bring you up to speed with a re-cap:
1) Always disinfect the tops of soda cans before you drink out of them, because rats living in warehouses love to pee on them;
2) Always use the Full Service option at gas stations, because women who use self-serve have a tendency to spontaneously combust from the static electricity between their clothes and the pump;
3) If you hear what sounds like a crying baby anywhere near your house (including your own baby’s bedroom) DO NOT, whatever you do, go see what’s wrong. Call the police instead. It may be that a serial killer is using the recording of an infant in distress to lure you out of your home;
4) Never light a cigarette by leaning over the gas burner. No amount of professional eyebrow waxing will ever be able to improve the results;
5) If you do happen to run over what appears to be your mother-in-law by accident, always reverse to make sure you have finished her off. You never know when she might turn out to be an axe murderer in drag.
I trust you will pass on these important tips to your nearest and dearest female friends. Who knows, if we can just keep women indoors, the world may be a safer place!
Faithfully,
P.
