Dearest P,

It’s touching that you believe me more experienced in depravity.  I fear my "big talker" status now finds me up against a reality I find extremely shocking.  Although you profess partaking on a one-time basis, I fear that with the oldballandchain’s reputation for gossip, you may either become the neighborhood wife who must assume all such duties or, perhaps more troubling, other spouses may come to expect such exceptional service.  Although the former possibility holds no troubling aspects for me, I will assume the latter could occur and press ahead with my best advice for avoiding such carnal acts.

First, under no circumstances must you turn your back on the oldballandchain.  It may make for some awkward moments, but based on my hotel experience (see previous correspondence), doing so only encourages stealth entry.  I would also encourage you also to add a few pounds to your rear end.  After all, with your spouse’s reputation for attraction only to the thinnest reeds, he will surely lose interest in a hurry.  And, you’d get to eat more chocolate in the meantime.  Not a bad deal.

Finally, and in the instance that all else fails, I encourage you to remind the oldballandchain that such tendencies could be construed as less than masculine.  If he really needs to participate in such acts, you should gently chide, you are more than willing to find him just the right boy. 

Faithfully,

C.

Dear C,

It started out as a casual offer: a sop intended to soften the blow as Father Time tolled the bell counting out the oldballandchain’s forty years on this earth.  For one whole week I promised to act as the obc’s indentured servant in all matters conjugal.  Secretly, of course, I was calculating the offer would have the same dampening effect on his ardor that it would on mine. Offer me Brad Pitt on a plate and I probably wouldn’t take you up for….OK, forget that analogy.  Who feels like hamburger after living with a cow that demands to be milked all the time?

Unfortunately, what I failed to take into account was the one-sided nature of the deal, which appears to have piqued the obc’s interest.  It’s an illuminating insight into one’s husband’s character to see how the little man responds to the prospect of absolute power.  And in the obc’s case, the results are not pretty, I can tell you now.  The sight of him naked, at close quarters, arms akimbo and demanding that I render some or other service without so much as a please or thank you is one that gets old faster than the wrinkly parts of him staring me in the face.  And it’s alarming to reflect that one’s usual excuses – too much work, too little time, just showered, just put on make up, just leave me alone – are moot for the next  144 hours.

In short, dear C, the life of an enforced companion is not at all like I imagined  – not even in my wildest dreams (especially those).  My question to you now, as a much younger woman married to a man well into his fith decade is:  how long can a man his age keep it up?  After all, we’re only on day two, but if things don’t change soon, we may be forced to decamp to parts of the world as yet inaccessible to Viagra – if such a paradise indeed still exists.

Faithfully,

P.

P,

I can only imagine what that man was doing to you as the words spilled forth at your word processor.  Oh, sorry, I need to save that for my "fantasty porn" web site on which I do a little writing.  I do send many thanks for the material.  You’d be surprised at the market for older wrinkled male chasing young bimbette.  That is the scenario, right?

On a more serious note, the answer is really almost just next door.  Although the neighbor’s au pair is handy for child rearing when an early afternoon cocktail is just the thing, I’ve also found her skills may lie in another just as useful area.  Sent hubby to retrieve one child and return another and he reappeared nearly an hour later (remember, they had most of the children) and had a strangely satisfied look on his face.  Suggested they had discussed her homeland or some such thing but I’ve never noticed him look that way after spending time with the obc and they spend endless hours on boring matters together.

My only point, dearest P, is that you need to think outside your box in this matter.  Encourage the old man to spread his wings and fly, my friend, and save your endurance for basking in the delight of his absence.  I know you seem to worry he may not return, but, sadly, they mostly do.  Big talkers, I find, but fear of disease and commitment to others will bring them home.

Faithfully,

C.