Dear C,

As I continue my sojourn in the land of the Mad Cow, and home of an alarming number of islamic fundamentalists, I have been struck by the sheer nunmber of young, attractive THIN people I see on the streets of London.  To my extreme consternation, dear C, this group even involves a fair number of mothers!  Whereas in DC, you are often left wondering whether the woman pushing the stroller is the mother or grandmother of the infant involved, here you are left wondering if she is the au pair, and if not, how she can possibly have procreated so many times and still have the washboard stomach of a teenage boy.

Could it be, dear C, that Londoners are simply more attractive than the inhabitants of DC, or is there something about being surrounded by so many other women who are clearly making an effort that forces the average London female to count her calories in a way we pretend to, but don’t?  I notice, by way of proof, that the laws of attraction do not seem to apply outside the Big Smoke, for the youth of my parents’ home town are as large, if not larger than those around DC.  Which forces me to conclude, dear C, that while we wait for the next generation to grow up and overtake us, DC may be the best place for us, after all.

Faithfully,

P.

P,

I always admire your ability to discern, and so thoughtfully, the truly important qualities that allow a woman to shine.  In DC, however, perhaps unlike in London, where all the pasty faced skinnies luxuriate, we Americans find another quality as important: having a great deal of money and/or power. 

Yes, it’s true: come to any DC book club gathering and find yourself riveted by the remarks of the woman who has landed her money the old-fashioned way: she inherited or married into it.  Lest you think this is a woman resting on her laurels, who has let her body go and her frizzy hair run amuck (although I share similar qualities, I am alas neither well-married nor an heiress), I must advise you otherwise.  This woman, dearest P, can not only eat whatever she likes but she knows how to endow charities as well.  As everyone here is somehow connected to one non-profit or another, she plays them like a well-tuned violin, asking for and receiving their fawning attention.  Her opinions are important and she’s more than happy to tell you why.

So lest you believe it is only through some greather strength of will that the women in your homeland starve themselves to perfection, I can only defend my brethern with the knowledge that we all find ways to survive in the jungle.  American women may never have the bodies of teenage boys, however sad that may be, but we are all fully able to eat like one.  We are, if nothing else, a practical people and know the extra weight may help us if the worst is yet to come.  While your women drop like flies, we’ll still be just fine, living off the fat of our mid-sections.  Comforting thought, that.

Faithfully,

C.