P,

Troubled to learn yesterday that eldest son made a classmate cry.  The details are, as you might imagine, quite sordid.  Husband seemed rather untroubled by the incident, claiming the other boy cries all the time, and the kids really must work it out themselves.  I’m certain that hubby’s shooting of hapless victims on his Xbox as we talked didn’t impact his perspective at all.  The larger issue, I think, is whether said son may be a candidate for Team America.  As you know from the film, it may be a quintessentially American characteristic to be so completely absorbed in one’s own perspective and place in the world that unwitting victims or their property are often left in a heap of rubble.  But, damnit, somebody has to keep the French safe!  So, although eldest will dutifully report to school today with an apology and genuine profession of friendship, I wonder whether I have done a disservice to our country in the long run.  Kindness is good but it doesn’t protect America or get you your own reality tv show.  And the terrorists know it.  P, you know I’m not one to point fingers, but do you think the boy’s mother could be working for the other side?

Faithfully,

C.

C,

As we all know, it’s far better to be the bully than the bullied, right, so why are you even giving this issue a second thought? Must admit, it is rather cunning of this woman to suggest that your son is the one with the problem, but if I were you, I’d simply hand her a copy of the Homer Simpson Code of the Schoolyard, which states:

1. Don’t tattle
2. Always make fun of those different from you
3. Never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do

If your friend’s son will only adhere to these rules, he may well join the lucky ranks of the tormentors, not the tormented, aka becoming a reality show contestant (your ultimate dream, right?). Who knows, he may even be given honorary European citizenship, the pre-requisite for which involves always running with the herd, never sticking up for anyone and of course, surrendering at the first sign of trouble. As someone who has followed these rules her entire life, and has the European passport to prove it, I can attest to their success.

Faithfully,

P.