desperate in dc
desperate in dc

Archive for February, 2005

Snow Daze

February 28th, 2005 : No Comments »

C,

Snow Day from kid’s perspective:

Waking with a start, sometime before dawn: ‘Oh my god, is it snowing outside? Better check. Wait. It’s still dark….but I can see snow on the ground! Yippee, it IS snowing!! Can’t wait to rush out and make snow angels, then bug mom to please take us sledding RIGHT NOW, so I can traipse mud all through the house and leave stream of discarded wet clothing in my wake. Must follow strenuous physical activity by hours of lounging on sofa, watching TV and demanding hot cocoa and bon-bons, while still refusing to finish last week’s homework. Better proceed immediately to wake up entire house, including older sibling, who generally requires revival
with defibrillator on schooldays, so we can celebrate this fantastic reprieve from death row (aka, school). It’s going to be a busy day.

Snow day, from mother’s perspective: ‘Oh my god! What’s that noise? Why the hell are my kids screaming at this ungodly hour of the night? What’s that you say? A snow day? AGAIN? Oh joy. And I thought you were being stabbed. Now, instead of doing all the work I didn’t do last week, because of the snow, I get to spend ‘quality time’ with my beloved off-spring, which is, after all, the whole point of working from home, right? Make mental note to get job with fixed hours in an office next time, so I have perfect excuse like husband for why I can’t possibly take the day off. That lucky bastard, going off to work.

Faithfully,

P.

Posted in Domestic Bliss

Re: Snow Daze

February 28th, 2005 : No Comments »

P,

Have considered revised career strategy to avoid additional snow days home with the cherubs: suicide bombing, antarctic explorer, or even working for the Bush administration if it means I can walk out the door even if the school bell doesn’t ring.  Good thing the darlings are coughing today as I have in my arsenal Triaminic PM–the all day, all night pediatric snow day tool. 

Faithfully,

C.

Posted in Domestic Bliss

This One’s Gonna Be Just Fine

February 24th, 2005 : No Comments »

P,

Your younger daughter definitely has it goin’ on.  As I mentioned yesterday, she informed me while I was taking her to a movie that another friend’s mother was very nice.  And very nice to her.  She didn’t say nicer than me, but I’m no fool. Now P, a lesser sort may have been troubled by the idea that another mother ranked above oneself.  I, however, with my mature worldview and voice of authority said, "Oh yeah, well, who’s got your snacks for the movie?"  Sensing immediately the potential withholding moment, your darling girl mentioned how nice it was that my own daughter was there, so I dropped the matter.  Just b/f said child was returning home, I popped the obvious question, "So, who’s your favorite friend’s mom?"  Hubby squirmed uncomfortably.  Your cherub didn’t miss a beat.  "It depends."  "Well," I countered cagily, "at least I know you’ll be back here."  "Maybe," she responded with just the right smile.  Would love to embellish with additional details, P, but must run and frost some cupcakes for your dearest one.  The breadcrumb trail will begin at your door.  I too know how to play the game.

Faithfully,

C.

Posted in Motherz in the Hood

Re: This One’s Gonna Be Just Fine

February 24th, 2005 : No Comments »

C,

What can I say – I’m so proud. The sycophancy she gets from her mother, along with her ‘active imagination’ and desperate desire to follow the crowd. Fortunately, I am also blessed with a daughter who’s the exact opposite, so I always have someone to turn to for those times when you really need to hear how ridiculous you look in your Juicy sweats ( ‘Mom, that is SO fin-de-Millennium’). Speaking of which,  where was Condoleeza Rice’s daughter when she decided to venture out among all those Euro-wimps wearing knee-high Fuck-me boots? Forget National Security Adviser, the woman needs a Personal Wardrobe Adviser (PWA) who’s not too scared to speak Truth to Power when it comes to accessorizing for success. Coming from Washington (capital of the desperately want to be taken seriously set), you’d think she’d know better than to dress like Paris Hilton meets Soviet submarine captain. I suggest the woman goes out and hires Saddam Hussein’s PWA pronto. Whoever it was had him out of Prison Orange and into a relaxed open-necked shirt so fast they deserve at least a  couple of billion from the oil-for-food Program. It can’t be easy making an aging, pot-bellied war criminal look hot.

Faithfully,

P.

Posted in Motherz in the Hood

Of Vice and Men

February 24th, 2005 : No Comments »

C,

What does it say about a wife when her husband starts lusting after other women she considers less than attractive? It was bad enough when the oldballandchain fell in love with a certain actress from JAG, and started hanging out in his bathrobe while watching 3 episodes a day on Tivo. No use pointing out that JAG is the ultimate chick show, or that the actress in question had boobs like my grandmother. Now it turns out that the oldballandchain has always had a thing for Steffi Graff – the strapping German ex-tennis player with the long, well-toned legs of a gorgeous MAN. And it gets worse. When pressed to reveal how he could possibly go weak at the knees at the sight of a woman whose nose must get jammed in elevator doors and at the same time fall in love with moi, the love of his life, the oldballandchain went on to profess his affection for our children’s former  gymnastics instructor, who could crush him with one squeeze of her meaty thighs. Are we detecting a pattern here? Either I have a far more distorted body image than I already suspected, or we are woefully ill-matched. I would retaliate by pointing out my undying  affection for Dick Cheney’s thin-lipped but oh-so-rakish snarl, if it weren’t for the fact that I am having so much fun right now calling him ‘Wurm’ and cracking the whip.

Faithfully,

P.

Posted in Sex in the Suburbs

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